Alumni-hood

Yesterday was my last professional Saturday with Teach for America. An approximately 3 hour drive to Cleveland, MS, a panel discussion, a vision-setting session, an Arkansas-specific session, then I picked up my overly large certificate of completion, and that was that. Soon, I will have my 5 year teaching license and join the ranks of more than 20,000 alumni.

I guess after two years, I wanted some sort of final closure, like a graduation ceremony. However, the point of Teach for America isn't exactly to provide some sort of definitive closure or answer. In my experiences and current understanding, the problems in poor communities and in failing/struggling school districts are ever present, very complicated, and ultimately something to be fought against, not necessarily permanently fixed.

I'm caught up in a lot of emotion about my TFA experience. I feel like I've grown up a lot, establishing something of a more settled set of core beliefs and needs than I left college with. But I also feel like a failure personally and professionally on many fronts; did I consistently raise kids self-confidence, skills, and test scores? I did the best I could always, but that wasn't always enough. Did I do like my fellow 6th grade teacher advise and "drive my own happy train?" Not consistently and not enough. Am I satisfied with the currently political-educational climate, my kids current lot in life, education in general? Absolutely not, but these aren't the only issues I'm frustrated with.

Going forward, I'm understandably terrified. I'm job hunting. As cheesy as it sounds, my passion remains with teaching Arkansas kids; it's frustrating that charter schools in other states are so much more interested in me as a teacher than local school districts. I'm not sure where I will be living or for how long post-June. I need to get my kids ready for one more unit test, a science fair, and a field trip to Little Rock. I have an End of Year conversation with my TFA manager.

Here's to the next step: figuring out alumni status.

"Modern" Family Housing

Modern American Housing (ABC news)

The above news article is just one moment in something I've been thinking about a lot since graduating college and moving into my own apartment. I'm currently renting a small two bedroom apartment alone. Things that have rocked....

• I can spread out, put furniture wherever, decorate however, and do laundry whenever I want to. 
• I can be weird at will.
• Don't want to eat? Who cares! So don't.

Things that have sucked...

• Do want to eat? Too bad! Everything you bought is slowly rotting. 
• Do want to eat? Well, if you make something, you know you are just going to watch it rot, right?
• Upset? Call mom. Talk for 2 hours.
• Still upset? Troll facebook. Feel more alone. Go back to above instruction. Repeat.
• Still hungry? Want company? TOO BAD.

I really think I'm going to move back home, provided I can find a job. Yeah, it's not a totally perfect thing, but I think ultimately it will be a perfect temporary move. No, I don't know what I'm going to do with all my furniture. No, I'm not sure I will ever see a date ever again (but what else is new?) 

But-I will have...a big upstairs bedroom; a movie watching lounge area; someone to share laundry, cooking, and grocery duties with (who happens to know my crazy habits AND be willing to accomodate them); room to make improvements outside and inside. 

I don't think it's a perfect situation, but I do think it will be better than what I currently have. I really don't think I was meant to live alone. I do need alone time, but I also need social time. I also think that humanity, in general, has only gotten this idea of launching adult children into the world (sans marriage) after their education is complete/on hiatus within the last 40-50 years-ish. I think society tends to be more stable with strong multi-generational bonds. Yes, adults should go be adults: pay bills, be able to make independent decisions about sex, accept consequences; but what if parents could allow their adult children to do all of those things while sharing economic and emotional duties of living under the same roof? 

This will most likely be a temporary situation, unless I find employment I LOVE. 

I just wish more families could build the healthy bonds that create a safe place for young and old; where every member is equally valued, encouraged and supported to grow; and everyone could achieve financial and social stability and happiness. 

I believe.

Herman Melville "[contemplated] a godless universe" in his one-hit wonder of a novel, aka Moby Dick. While this was SHOCKING in the nineteenth century, it's now the norm. The moral universe that govern most books, movies, music, etc. doesn't just contemplated a godless universe-it assumes a godless universe is a fact.

I read "Game of Thrones" over Christmas break. As a lover of epics like Lord of the Rings and Narnia, I was shocked by the lack of a moral balace to "Game." I don't mind sex, violence, or whatever in my media. Heck, sometimes I enjoy mixing my sex and violence....

But. I was deeply bothered by the moral universe behind "Game." "Bad" guys and "good" guys were much the the same, facing much the same fate in the end. There wasn't a rhyme or reason for it some much, either.

There hasn't been much in the way of rhyme or reason in my life as of late.

Okay, I guess this is what life is like post-college. Or, so I have heard. (Thanks, HBO & "Girls.")

I found myself circling back to God. Two years as a middle school teacher, coming home to a empty apartment every day....well, I guess it was time.

I want to write about my faith.

My often lack of faith.

My need for friends I can see everyday. My need for a relationship. My need to deeply love my friends talking to me on facebook chat (right now), calling (every couple of days), and going to eat pizza (most weekends).

My need to write.

Can I overcome "Game of Thrones" message of a godless universe? Probably not. But can I overcome my own feelings of godlessness with honest writing? Yes. 

Favorite Song Tonight

Two of my friends asking THE question- Who DOES have the hooch tonight?

Promise

I miss writing. Research papers, poetry, fiction, blog posts-I miss it all. I don't even post to facebook that much anymore. The last few months have been a blur, all of it exhausting and painful. My job became more than a job, becoming a dementor. Over spring break, I promised myself that I will write every day after school. I don't care what I'm writing, just that I spend some time each day. Most of it will surely be crap, but whatever. I need to get back to thinking, writing, creating.

As I was driving back to my apartment from my parent's house today, the above song came on the radio. I was again struck by the line "leaving home was the hardest thing we ever faced." Cheesy, perhaps, but is the reason this job has been sucking my everlasting soul these last few months also because I'm just plain ole homesick?

Perhaps...but maybe I will always be homesick, no matter where I am-just not when I'm writing. Thankfully.

Content

The word "content" has been haunting me; you see, I just reached 100 posts on inklingspot. Go me! However, that word has also hung over my whiteboard for weeks because it is one of the domains essays are graded on for the Arkansas Benchmark exam. The other domains, or categories, all have helpful hints underneath them to encourage children to gain more points. "Style" has lots of figurative language; "Usage" and "Mechanics" basically say don't screw up the English language and you'll do fine.

The problem with my children's content scores is simply that they have very few of the life experiences necessary to produce content. They simply don't have the foundational experiences that lead to imagination, creative thinking, and interesting writing.

I started the year thinking I had plenty of the life experiences needed to produce content; after all, I've been a pretty okay writer in college. But. What have I actually tangibly produced since starting this teaching gig? A couple of bulletin boards and a grand total of six hats over Christmas break. I don't even have any photos of my first apartment, my classroom, my holiday.

I feel like I'm running low on content. I need life experiences. I need an adventure. Soon.

Trying to Tune In...

Welcome to 2012. I remember doing a report about the Titanic in 4th grade, realizing that I could very well be alive on the 100 year anniversary of the sinking. Of course, as a 4th grader, my next thought was, "Yeah, 2012. That'll never happen."

But, here I am. I have some big plans for the coming year, but I wonder if my stamina can sustain my big plans. I feel very run down with my current gig and general mode of life. My beliefs and big goals each seem knotted. A friend suggested that I need to 'listen to the whispers of the heart' more often. 

Let me tell you, though-my heart doesn't just whisper. Sometimes it rocks out in a big, raucous, way.